Don't Gel Too Soon

Sons Really Do Get Married, and Their Parents Really Do Love It, (and Nobody Cried)

There we are, our sweet sweet family with it's newly married eldest and his lovely brand-new wife.   It's an out-of-body experience to watch your son get married, and this was a wonderful one.  I'd been very nervous:  would it go well after the two of them had worked so hard on every detail, would they have fun, would we cry, would I look ok (well, after all, those photos last forever.)

It all did go well.  The groom (in the middle) was so joyous and ready, his speech so sure and calm; his wife so lovely and pleased, his brother (on the right)offering the loveliest, funniest, just-rightest toast ever.  There were only 80 of us so over the weekend we became a kind of tribe, tables shifting as people moved around enjoying the event, and one another. 

It was a great joy to me to see how much the boys feel for each other.  I have, today, two of my dearest wishes: that my children be good friends and that each son find a partner who is wonderful, honorable and loving.  So far so good.

I'd been thinking for months about the power of time, of change.  One of my friends commented on my Facebook page that "I remember when Josh was xeroxing his little hands in the office!" I do too.  And I thought I'd be consumed by those kinds of thoughts.  But this just felt right, timely and good for everyone.  No nostalgia, not "where are you going my little one, little one"  "sunrise, sunset" thoughts at all.  Just gratitude at the happiness and love that surrounded the bride, the groom and the rest of us.  May it always be so.

Days Before a Son Marries; Mothers-in-Law Get Jittery Too

These two sweeties will be married on Sunday.  One of them is my son.  My first born.  My baby.  I don't know why I've been so reluctant to write about it; it's a beautiful relationship and a joyous moment in all of our lives. But I have been silent, or almost so, about it for some time.  Can't seem to let myself write.  My sweet friend Karin Lippert, noting my cryptic tweet, wrote:  

Congratulations... mixed emotions are the new normal, the new black? No, we have all always had overwhelming,wonderful emotions about our kids...  

She's right, I guess.  The mix isn't between wishing well and not so well, it's between joy and respect for the place these two have found together in the world, and my profound sense of time passing, and of change.  I'll keep you posed when I can.

Sunrise, Sunset: an Amazing Day of Jewish Rituals

We all feel gratitude for the beautiful moments in our lives.  In the observant Jewish life we live now those moments are often built around life-cycle events, usually moving and sometimes profound.  Last week, we had a Sunday that brought the entire thing into broad relief.  It's taken me a week to think it through and write about it though.  It was just so huge.

We began early, at a bris.  That's the moment of circumcision, welcoming a Jewish boy into the covenant with God on the 8th day of his life.  This one was held at the parents' home, full of their friends and those of the grandparents.  The mother's mom and dad are good friends of ours, kind, generous, no nonsense people, a librarian and a doctor.  Like any mom, she was helping her daughter.  Like any mom, she was greeting guests with hugs and personal welcomes.  Like any mom, she was dashing from counter to table with salads, platters of food, drinks, desserts.  Unlike most moms though, she did it all with a "crew cut".  In the midst of chemotherapy for breast cancer, she's decided there was no sense in "wearing something silly" to cover her hair loss, so she didn't.  Watching her hold her new grandson, both of them reminding us of the value of life at its most basic, was amazing.  You can imagine how it felt to be part of this - new life, fighting for life, affirming life - all in one family in one day.   It was quite a thing.

Blown away, we set off for our second destination, far less nuanced and very sad. A young friend with a toddler, expecting her second child very soon, had lost her mother to cancer.  The funeral, filled with other young parents with infants in their arms, was sad as they always are, laden with the grief felt by both this daughter and her husband.  Her parents had long been divorced, her ailing father lives with them, and for her last months, her mother had as well.  It's a huge thing to be that responsible for each parent singly and still live with one's responsibilities for spouse and children.  This couple took the responsibilities on gracefully and willingly.  

It was heartbreaking to hear the impassioned tribute this young woman gave to her mother, to understand the depth of her loss.   Jewish funerals are immediate, simple and highly symbolic: the 91st Psalm recited as the procession stops seven times on the way to the grave to symbolize the reluctance to bid farewell, internment in a simple pine box, all attendees contributing to covering the coffin until the grave is full, shovel by shovel, to support the lost and the mourners.   I've always said that the way Jews deal with death is one of my favorite of its many beautiful attributes; it seems to add symbolism to the grief and meaning to the death.  

Deeply depleted, as if a gray cloud had descended on our day, we returned to the car and moved on.  We were late, but able to arrive midway through our next engagement - a wedding.  As you can imagine, it was tough to rally but we did our best.  The bride and groom are a lovely (and very tall!) young couple, with a combined sweetness and wry sense of humor that endeared them to everyone.  So we were honored to be there.  It reminds, too, that life is indeed a circle, as corny as that sounds, filled both with sadness and joy.

We ended this amazing Sunday with a kind of interim ritual - between the beginning of life and the rituals of adulthood: a bar mitzvah party.  The young man celebrating his Saturday Torah reading and entry into Jewish adulthood is a remarkable kid, and the joys of this celebration were compounded by the special nature of this boy and his family - all hugely active in the community - fun, scholarly and kind.  They were the first people we met when we moved to this aging community that has since grown into a thriving, intergenerational congregation.   Newly arrived from Boston, they had chosen it because it needed new members to replace those who had moved away or died.  When we got here, the "bar mitzvah boy" was a little kid.  Now he's a poised young man with legions of friends from age two (really) to 82.  We all consider them a gift.  It was wonderful to celebrate with them.

So that was our day: a journey through Jewish tradition, commemoration of joy and grief, birth and loss, life and death -- and a reminder of what an amazing journey we all - Jewish or otherwise, travel together.

Boomer Chronicle #117: Plenty to Click On

Here's this week's carnival, from the inimitable Rhea Becker at The Boomer Chronicles.  The summer seems to be bringing us plenty of original and thoughtful material, so be sure to stop by!

Playing With the Big Boys: Bruce Springsteen's New Drummer and the Rest of Us

Does the young drummer in this photo look familiar? He's definitely not Bruce's long-time drummer The Mighty Max Weinberg. He is, however, a Weinberg, Max's son Jay.. I learned about this from my own son, who IM'd

"Did you know that Max Weinberg's son is now the drummer for the E Street Band?  It's a great story - little coverage.  Seriously - he is 18 and no one has picked up that an ageless band now has an 18-year-old on drums."

He's right.  It's a wonderful story, for many reasons.  Just because it is, first of all.  But also because all parents love it when their kids go into the family business; at least I think they do.  That's not all, though.  To be fair, Jay is only going to tour with them when his dad has to stay in LA to help launch the new Conan O'Brien Tonight Show. Even so, there's something lovely about Bruce calling and inviting him to join the band. Anyone who's ever watched a sound check or read about Bruce knows he's got high standards; this was NOT a sentimental decision. Jay can play the drums.

So why do I love this?  A demonstration of that kind of trust by a national legend close to three times  his age is pretty impressive.  The idea of two generations on stage together as peers is an example of something that's been important to me for years: alliances across generations in all manner of venues.

I've been writing both here and on SVMoms about the tensions between Boomers and Millennials.  There is a growing stress between us.  Just a month ago I heard a young political social media genius - a serious one - mock the Boomers who claimed they helped to end the Vietnam War.  "Dead soldiers ended the war, not you guys." he said with determination.  Permutations of that attitude abound; although perhaps less so in families where parenting was respectful and strong and included a history of those times and a modest explanation of what we were trying to do.  

President Obama, whose attitudes and capabilities I admire, tends to imply that it's time to ditch, at the least, a lot of the rhetoric and style of that time.  I don't disagree.  All that I want is for those of us in my generation and the younger people whose core values we share to be free to travel across the boundaries of style and execution to be allies and friends rather than adversaries.  That kind of sharing emerges from respect in both directions, from engaging younger people more as peers than acoytes.  That's what the Obama campaign did, and look what happened.

I've been fortunate, because of my relationship with my sons, because I've worked in the Internet world for ten years -- so much with younger people, and because I am part of a community full of young families, to be able to do the same.  But the divisions are growing for many of us, and they're sad.

So when Bruce, who has so often spoken for so many, crosses two-thirds of his life to, at 60+, add an 18-year-old drummer to his band, it's an example and a message for which I am grateful.  No one who knows his music would ever think he would add a drummer to send a message; he takes his music, and his fans, too seriously for that.  He is, however, reminding us all that, 18 or 80 - talent, music, dreams, ideas, faith or fun, the walls need not be so high.  Whether it's campaigning for a candidate, working for women's rights, writing a poem, cooking a meal, building a house, growing tomatoes or making music, we are all pooer for the walls we build, and richer for the gifts we share. 

Blogging Boomers Carnival #116: From 401(K)s to Folk Art

Welcome to the 116th Carnival of Boomer Blogs.  This crew has been a joy and a great resource for as long as I've been privileged to be part of it, and this week is no exception.  Given the economy and all, let's start with John Agno of So Baby Boomer.  John, always wise, warns us this week that early withdrawals from Individual Retirement Accounts and 401 (K) plans are a "No, No!" because they trigger taxes and penalties that can really add up.  Good advice, no?

While we're on serious "boomer interest" topics, we'll move to Wesley Hein at LifeTwo.  This week he's writing about HBO's multi-part documentary on Alzheimer's Disease.  The underlying message is that Alzheimer's can no longer be ignored.  I've actually seem some excerpts and would concur.

That health issue is part of what makes Janet Wendy at Gen Plus "mad as hell" and she's not going to take it anymore...maybe.

On another side of the economy, let's talk business.  Andrea Sternberg at The Baby Boomer Entrepreneur asks: "With Twitter you can have conversations with a large number of people, but do these twitter conversations convert to actual sales?  That question haunts many small business Twitter users and is the main thing", Andrea says, "holding others back from giving Twitter a try."  You'll find her answer to this dilemma in her post Make Money with Twitter - Is It Possible?

Also on the business end of things: do you ever feel like a loser?  The Midlife Crisis Queen did often after she lost her job.  This is how she dealt with it.

One of our founders and leaders, Rhea Becker, reports from Boston on The Gemini Web "I can't read my favorite magazines any longer without eyeglasses.  I think they're using smaller type.  Or maybe it's just me."

 On a cheerier note, the Glam Gals (style experts for women over 40) ask, "Have you heard the true story of the woman who overcame having diabetes, while losing 100 pounds and then entered the Mrs. Idaho pageant?"  This is a must-read and inspiration story, they  tell us.  Find out more from FabulousAfter40.com.

Oh - and do you remember watching Art Linkletter?  Dina at This Marriage Thing, who loved the show Kids Say the Darndest Things shares some newly discovered gems about marriage "out of the mouths of babes."

Feeling artsy?  During her recent travels in the Florida Keys (who wouldn't love that?) Barbara Weibel at Hole in the Donut discovered Stanley Papio, whom some consider an important folk artist, while others insist he was nothing more than a welder with a yard full of junk.  Stop by and contribute to the conversation!

In the same vein, Ann at Contemporary Retirement has a video clip of some amazing sand art, crated by Ilana Yahav using just her fingers, some sand and a glass table.

One more travel contribution from Nancy Mahegan at Vaboomer. Ever want to sell everything and retire on a beach in Mexico?  Read about real people who did at Vaboomer.com,

Finally, my own contribution is a tribute to an old friend, long-time New York Times Book Review Children's Book Editor Eden Ross Lipson.  If you have children you've probably made use of her classic NY Times Guide to the Best Books for Children.  She was something special.

Farewell to Eden Lipson, A Great Mother, Editor and Friend

There were so many of us in 1968, joined to battle the Vietnam War by helping Eugene McCarthy run for president.  We lost the Senator several years ago, and Eli Segal, one of the best, soon after.  Today I learned of the loss of another of the dear ones, Eden Ross Lipson.  She died this morning of pancreatic cancer.  You can see from this photo that she was a woman who relished life and laughter.  Her greatest joys: her husband and her kids.

Although we shared a history from the campaign, we also shared some great lunches and adventures in Manhattan, where she had dozens of friends who loved and respected her.  Principled and kind, she was a joy and support to so many.

In her work as Children's Book Editor of the New York Times Book Review, Eden produced what is still the classic work on children's literature.  I knew her as she wrote the first edition; it was a real labor of love.  Her understanding of kids, of books and of writing and purpose made her an ideal guide for anxious parents and savvy librarians alike.

Her generosity went far beyond the love of children that made her such a great advocate for the joy they would find in their books.  It was she who gave me my first review assignment and it led to an entire side career as a book reviewer that lasted for years.  She was a tough and smart editor, too. 

I remember my review of one of my favorites: Jane Yolen's The Devil's Arithmetic.  A time-travel Holocaust story, it is a beautiful book.  I submitted a very positive review.  Soon after, Eden called.  In a tone slipping between amused and professional, she reminded me that not all parents were as open as I was, and that I needed to add some kind of caution to parents who were more protective about at what age their kids were exposed to tough information.  She was right, of course.  I began an embarrassed apology.  Her response:  if people didn't need editors she wouldn't have a job!  I fixed the piece and it ran.    Later, it was Eden who connected me with the editor who published my first book.  She did it, as she did all things, with no expectation of reciprocal benefit.  These sorts of things are typical of the warmth and kindness she showed to everyone who knew her.

Life is strange.  Eden was someone I knew, respected and cared about.  I lost touch with her, as with so many others, when we moved to Los Angeles.  My life then just didn't allow for working to stay connected; there were hard things happening and they made it difficult to think outside the immediate circumstances of my life.  And so I'm doubly sad as I struggle to write about a woman with such a mind, and a spirit, and a heart.

I'm comforted to know, though, that she had friends and family around her, supportive and caring, in her last days. That's no surprise; it's what she offered so many others.  

Farewell to Jack Kemp, a Fine Gentleman

This good looking guy, football star of the early 60's, is Jack Kemp - congressman, vice-presidential and presidential candidate and a fine man.  He died of cancer Saturday at 73, universally respected and, by many, loved.   If you read this blog you know that I'm anything but a conservative, so this isn't a political meditation; it's an appreciation of a good guy.

When I think of Kemp, whom I met several times during his various campaigns, I see the same picture.  It's Inauguration Weekend for the first George Bush, and there's a huge youth rally at the National Armory in Washington.  I'm there for the Today Show, filming the teenagers practically hanging from the rafters, excited and waiting for the speakers to show up. 

 There are lots of them, holding forth in various ways about the new administration and all it would do.  Finally, Kemp, the soon-to-be Secretary of HUD, Housing and Urban Development, arrived, and gave a sweet, unpretentious talk.  Then, football hero that he was, he knew how to handle this young and happy crowd.  Producing a football, he drew his arm back, ball in hand, and threw the ball far into the crowd, to enormous applause.  It was wonderful.

After his years in the Bush Administration, he continued to act on his values: the need for extra opportunity for those held behind, and for justice.  In the years of fierce immigration battles in the 90's, he opposed California's cruel anti-immigration Proposition 187, jeopardizing his own political future, and took strong positions on the concept of opportunity for those whose futures seemed bleak.  Kemp was an economic conservative and all that that entailed, and also a caring, committed American.  He proved it's possible to be both.  I've always admired him, and I wanted to say so, and wish him Godspeed.

Edit to add a quote from and link to this wonderful letter from Kemp to his grandchildren, upon the election of Barack Obama, first tweeted by @cyn3matic of Momocrats.  

Let me explain. First of all, the election was free, fair and transformational, in terms of our democracy and given the history of race relations in our nation.

What do I mean?

Just think, a little over 40 years ago, blacks in America had trouble even voting in our country, much less thinking about running for the highest office in the land.

A little over 40 years ago, in some parts of America, blacks couldn't eat, sleep or even get a drink of water using facilities available to everyone else in the public sphere.

We are celebrating, this year, the 40th anniversary of our Fair Housing Laws, which helped put an end to the blatant racism and prejudice against blacks in rental housing and homeownership opportunities.

As an old professional football quarterback, in my days there were no black coaches, no black quarterbacks, and certainly no blacks in the front offices of football and other professional sports. For the record, there were great black quarterbacks and coaches -- they just weren't given the opportunity to showcase their talent. And pro-football (and America) was the worse off for it.

I remember quarterbacking the old San Diego Chargers and playing for the AFL championship in Houston. My father sat on the 50-yard line, while my co-captain's father, who happened to be black, had to sit in a small, roped-off section of the end zone. Today, we can't imagine the NFL without the amazing contributions of blacks at every level of this great enterprise.

I could go on and on, but just imagine that in the face of all these indignities and deprivations, Dr. Martin Luther King could say 44 years ago, "I have an abiding faith in America and an audacious faith in mankind." He described his vision for America, even as he and his people were being denied their God-given human rights guaranteed under our Constitution.

You see, real leadership is not just seeing the realities of what we are temporarily faced with, but seeing the possibilities and potential that can be realized by lifting up peoples' vision of what they can be.

 

See what I mean?

Can You Believe We're at Blogging Boomers 112 Already? Time Flies, Eh?

Thanks to the great Barbara Weibel, you'll find this weeks Blogging Boomers Carnival at Hole in the Donut.  She's listed everything from those puzzling moments when you and your long-time companion come up with the same thoughts at the same time, to midlife relationships to stashing unused pharmaceuticals, and a lot more.  There's not a week when the carnival isn't interesting, but this one is a really wonderful combination of ideas.

G-L-O-R-I-A! Happy Birthday Gloria Steinem

I have known Gloria Steinem for a very long time.   March 25th was her birthday and she is an amazing seventy-five years old!   I've admired her since my teens.  There used to be a magazine called SHOW, kind of a cross between Vanity Fair and New York Magazine.  In 1963, when I was a senior in high school, Gloria published a piece there called "I Was a Playboy Bunny."  Describing her three weeks as an "undercover" Bunny, the piece launched her career.  I remember saying something half derogatory about it -- remember I was 17 -- and my mother saying to me "You're just jealous."  She was right.  What a great job, what an elegant woman, offers from magazines, everything I was determined to have for myself - she'd done it.  If she could get out of Toledo, I could get out of Pittsburgh.  (I did.)

I've had my eye on her ever since and as she helped to lead all of us out of the wilderness I felt a special ownership since we  both attended Smith College.  In those years, as I became more involved in what would be called the Second Wave of Feminism, Gloria was a spearhead for most of it.  In fact, I once told a colleague of hers, a well-respected writer herself, how much I admired her.  Her response "The way you feel about me?  That's how I feel about Gloria."  

On the tenth anniversary of Ms. Magazine, which Gloria had helped to found, I produced a series for  The Today Show .  For one segment, a camera crew and I followed her on a day-long trip to Philadelphia to make a speech.  That was when I realized that her role was larger, and more personal, than I had understood. 

Here's what happened:  We got on the Metroliner in Penn Station and a woman came up to us to tell Gloria how she had changed her life.    We arrived in Philadelphia and, right in the station, another women did the same.  So it was all through the day.  At the evening event, she could barely make her way through the room as an endless stream of women approached to thank her, express admiration, just talk to her.  Through all of it, woman after woman after woman, she was unfailingly courteous and engaged.  Each was the only one she was talking to.  None was made to feel out of place or inappropriate.  I don't know about you, but that's tough for a public person to do; Gloria has done it for years.  In other words, she wasn't leading Feminism, she was being Feminism.

It's been like that ever since.  In the public eye or out, hugely famous or less famous, she's always been there to keep the focus where it belongs and carry us further toward equality, and it's always been about all of us, not her.  It's been an honor to know her, even a little bit, and to see personally that she's not just a fine leader, she's a fine person.  Happy Birthday Gloria (a little bit late). We're lucky to have you.