Don't Gel Too Soon

DON'T MISS IT: BLOGGING BOOMERS CARNIVAL #81

The fabulous Blogging Boomer Carnival - the 81st in fact - has landed here at Don't Gel Too Soon.  And a real feast it is. 

As the Baby Boomer generation approaches retirement age, over 7.7 million business owners will exit their businesses over the next 10-15 years.  John Agno at So Baby Boomer says this demonstrates a tremendous need for exit planning.

And while we're talking money, two more posts this week.

This comes from Janet Wendy at Gen Plus:  If, like much of America, you are sick of watching your dollar shrinking, Janet Wendy at Gen Plus, points you to an eye-opening post on what banks are NOT doing with your money. Oh...and be careful.  You might bust a seam laughing.

And this from Ann Harrison at Contemporary Retirement:  Although we've always been told that money can't buy happiness, an increasing number of studies show that, if you know the right way to spend it, money just may be able to buy you happiness after all...  Find out how at Contemporary Retirement:

Meanwhile, Rhea Becker of The Boomer Chronicles has noticed something interesting about this year's Olympics: "A number of athletes in the Beijing Olympics are older than the usual crop."  She's profiled some of them.  In the Northwest Arkansas area where I make my home, that was the case with every community. Unfortunately, it is also the case that every one of them has closed.

If you're looking for someone else to fix things, Laurel Lee at Midlife Crisis Queen says "Cut it out."  No one else can change your life for you, no matter how much you pay them."
“Spiritual work is not something you can copy from someone else’s homework...."

One of those things you have to do for yourself is keep a marriage going.  Dina at This Marriage Thing says:  "Counselors say marriages are strengthened by honest talking.   But when was the last time you really communicated with your spouse?   Here are a couple of questions that might do the trick."

If that doesn't work, and you're facing the end of a marriage, Wesley Hein at LifeTwo offers an important consideration: In a divorce, who gets custody of mutual friends? This moral dilemma is discussed in "The Post-Divorce Custody Battle for Mutual Friends". Make no mistake about it, in divorce every aspect of your life changes--including friendships.

On a lighter note, no matter what the status of the rest of your life, you can fix your hair.  If you color your hair, then you know how the blazing summer sun and chlorine pools can really fade and damage your hair. Is there anything you can do about it, short of wearing a hat? Check out what the Glam Gals have to say about it at Fabulous after 40.

 

Our friends over at Vaboomers have an interesting offering too - a kind of online mall they call "viosks" --sort of online kiosks offering art, music, cookies -- lots.  As they put it:   "Vaboomer is excited to announce the Grand Opening of Vaboomer Viosks on Aug 8; A Suite of “Viosks" with the best of Boomer reFiree's original art, books, music and education."

 

My own entry is a pensive one - about a Jewish holiday with a huge emotional  punch.

THE DARK KNIGHT, HARRY POTTER, LORD OF THE RINGS, DARK U.S. DAYS AND POLITICS

I used to see Christ symbols everywhere.  It drove my mother crazy; no matter what film or book, I'd find some kind of symbol in it.  And Christ symbols were fashionable then (Ingmar Bergman, Robert S. Heinlein.)  So I guess it's no surprise that I found implanted meaning, this time political messages, in Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix  (the loss of Hogwarts students' freedom and rights to Dolores Umbridge) and the Lord of the Rings  - listen to this:

"It's like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo. The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger they were, and sometimes you didn't want to know the end because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened? But in the end it's only a passing thing. The shadow even darkness must pass. A new day will come, and when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer. Those are the stories that stayed with you. That really meant something. Even if you were too small to understand why, but I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand. I know now. The folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back only they didn't. They kept going because they were holding on to something." "What are we holding onto Sam?" "That theres some good in this world, Mr. Frodo, and it's worth fighting for"- The Lord of The Ring- The Two Towers

Now The Dark Knight joins my array of political films.   Think about it.  Irrational evil -- the Joker (the late Heath Ledger, as good as the reviews but somehow a bit Al Franken-esque)-- drives Gotham City to such anxiety that its citizens are willing to surrender freedom and privacy and even to turn on their Bat-benefactor, to return order to their streets.  Sound familiar?  Throughout the film members of the community at large, as well as Bruce Wayne/Batman (Christian Bale), his beloved Rachel Dawes (Maggie Gyllenhaal,) DA Harvey Dent (Aaron Eckhart) and even the sainted Lucius Fox (Morgan Freeman) face -- and often fail -- deep ethical temptations (including abusing prisoners -- sound familiar?) -- and, surprisingly, those who face the most horrendous choice are criminals and civilians whose behavior is far more laudable than that of any of us (including me) who know what's been done in our name in Iraq and have mourned but not acted to stop it.

[SEMI-SPOILER ALERT]  This gigantic challenge, issued from the Joker himself, is a formidable and hopeful moment in the film.  Many have written that the film is dark and without humor but I don't think so.  This scene, in particular - and I don't want to be too much of a spoiler -- seemed to me to be there to remind us that there is always the potential for good.  Even so, the film is crammed with talk, as in Sam's speech to Frodo, and especially from the wise Albert (Michael Caine) of the pain and sacrifice required in the battle against the troubles ahead.

Maybe it's a reach, and I can hear your saying "Hey, it's ONLY a movie!" but there you are.

SHUT UP AND SING: CATCHING UP WITH THE DIXIE CHICKS AND WORRYING ABOUT THE ELECTION

Have you seen  this movie?  I sat in bed watching it early Sunday morning on cable and was just blown away.  It's one of the saddest, scariest, most moving American documentaries I've seen in a long time.  That's no surprise, since it was directed by  Barbara Kopple, who made Harlan County USA - the landmark documentary about coal mine union battles in Kentucky.

What happened to the Dixie Chicks is infuriating: performing in London just before the start of the Iraq war, lead singer Natalie Maines (married, by the way, to HEROES star Adrian Pasdar,) told the crowd "Just so you know, we're ashamed the President of the United States is from Texas."  The scene is included in this preview.

As I watched the film, seeing the rage and cruelty that emerged in the response to this one sentence,  my first thought was, "Oh my God, what does this mean for Barack Obama?"  The people who went after the Dixie chicks were nowhere near a sense of respect for the First Amendment - and sounded like they would be particularly vulnerable to "elitist" or racist accusations against a candidate.  If you remember the exit polls in West Virginia, Ohio and Pennsylvania you'll recall that many respondents just about acknowledged that they would not vote for Senator Obama simply because of his race.  Am I unfair to wonder if many of those people are the same ones booing and even threatening Maines' life?  Still "out there" in larger numbers than we wish?  Look at these figures:

In Pennsylvania exit polls on primary day, 14% of voters said that race one one of several important factors. Fifty-five percent of those were Clinton voters and 45% Obama voters. When asked race was “important” 19% said yes – 59% of them Clinton voters; when asked if race was a factor in their decision, 12% said yes. In this group, 76% were white Clinton voters.

In West Virginia, when asked race was “important” to their decision, 22% said yes –82% of them Clinton voters; when asked if race was a factor in their decision, 21% said yes. In this group, 84% were white Clinton voters.

Finally, Ohio. There, when asked race was “important” to their decision, 20% said yes--  59% of them Clinton voters; when asked if race was a factor in their decision, 14% said yes. In this group, 59% were Clinton voters. (the racial breakdown was not available here.)   

Please understand - I don't know if I'm right.  I'm not alleging racial bias in all those who rose up to burn Dixie Chicks CDs and threaten country stations with boycotts if they "ever played one of their songs again"  - but I do suspect they could be more vulnerable to campaigns run in an uglier vein - just as they responded to this one.  It's worrying me.

HIGH FIDELITY - A LITTLE BIT OF EACH OF US - IF WE'RE LUCKY

Do you remember High Fidelity?  We woke up early this morning and it was on Showtime.  I'd forgotten how wonderful it is, especially if you remember being 28ish, love John Cusack and wonderful witty writing or just plain love music.  Like Cusack's character, I annoy those who love me with at least one song - and often a Top Five -- to go with whatever is going on at the time.  A friend and I throw songs back and forth all the time; his wife and my husband are, usually, tolerant.  So the initial connection is there.  But what is it about this film that is so irresistible?  Here's a scene from YouTube:

There's been a lot of sadness in my life lately, and a lot of anxiety.  All the grown-up stuff that High Fidelity's hero is fighting desperately to avoid.  So it was sweet and moving, my husband and I slightly drowsy,  just waking up and holding hands, to watch as he struggled to get where he needed to go.  The things he says here are all true as me makes his way from the thrill of the new to the warmth and deep meaning of lasting a relationship. 

Married since 1971, we've been through plenty - personal, medical, parental, political, spiritual and even musical.  There were many times when one or the other of us despaired of getting through it.  A huge issue haunts us even now.  But was what so nice, at this point in our lives was watching this very funny, sweet (and I know, made-up - but still..) young man understand, finally, how much more joyous it is to build a life with someone than "to jump from rock to rock for the rest of my life until there aren't any rocks left."  It was a reminder, in the midst of yet another crisis, of the wonder and power of a life built together, no matter what obstacles may rise up along the way,

WEDDINGS, INDY, CARRIE BRADSHAW AND ME (SPOILER ALERT - BIG HINTS ABOUT SATC ENDING)

I went to see Sex and the City tonight with a group of women in their 20's, much younger than Carrie, Samantha, Charlotte or Miranda.  I'm older than all of them.  They liked it, thought it was disorganized, or OK, or so-so or good.  I loved it. 

As I tried to explain why, I got strangely emotional, struggling to describe how Samantha's 50th birthday, the remarkable relationship shared by these four friends, the happy endings and the fairy tale aura, just made me happy.  It's tough to measure the impact of experience on a life perspective, or the different perspective of those just beginning to accumulate those experiences; good friends who are young adults newly married or newly parents - still far from my place as the mother of grown sons.

This, the film's opening weekend, saw it push Indiana Jones out of first place.  I've complained a great deal about the latest Indy movie.  My husband emailed our older son that the movie "sucked."  He responded that he had loved, it, that it was just "one big comic book."  Clearly, he felt the same way I'd felt about the girls of Sex and the City. As he put it, with his usual wisdom "I guess everything is a matter of perspective."

HOPING FOR A DIFFERENT ENDING: "RECOUNT" ON HBO

I can remember reading Doris Kearns Goodwin's wonderful No Ordinary Time, about the World War II years in the White House: FDR, Churchill, Eleanor - it's a wonderful, inspiring story and forever changed my understanding of leadership.  I read the book on tape, mostly in my car. As I came to the book's end, and the death of President Roosevelt, I drove around so that I could finish it.  All the while, I kept hoping -- "maybe this time he won't die."   Totally irrational but still - that was what I felt  And I didn't feel it again until tonight, as I watched  Kevin Spacey, Tom Wilkinson, Laura Dern and Denis Leary in HBO's Recount, the story of the 2000 presidential election battle in Florida.

Reviews have reminded us that the story has been "altered" for dramatic reasons even though it's presented as a docudrama.   There may be more drama and less docu than historians would wish, -- but the basic reality is there - and from the perspective of 8 years and the traumas of the Bush Administration, very painful to watch.  In some ways it's like watching a car accident about to happen - in slow motion -- and not being able to do a thing to stop it.  Here's a little bit of it:

 

IS JOHN STEWART A POLITICAL KING (QUEEN) MAKER? DOES COMEDY RULE? SHOULD IT?

I used to run a television newscast for teenagers.  It was tough to get them to pay much attention to the news, so one of the features I experimented with was "If you don't know the news, you can't get the jokes." Dennis Miller was doing Saturday Night Update then, and sadly, wouldn't talk to us, so the idea failed.  It wasn't that original anyway; humor has always been part of American politics.  But I wanted the kids to care more about it - and I thought that connecting news and cool comedy would help.   I'm pretty sure I was right; political comedy is certainly a factor this year's campaign.  If you're my age, you're probably sitting there thinking "Hasn't this woman ever heard of Mort Sahl?  Yup.  He's just turned 80 and his political humor is as sharp as ever.  But he didn't have a daily "Daily Show" as a podium. Look at this:

 

I started thinking about this because this headline just appeared in the Media Bistro LA edition - which linked to this piece in the Washington Post.  Comedy, at least this year, is an important factor in the campaign.  Of course, Bill Clinton rebounded from one of his many backslides in 1992 with a saxophone-playing appearance on standup comedian and talk show host Arsenio Hall's show.  This clip, in fact, appeared on Channel One, the show I used to run! 

That was the second time Clinton used nightly talk as a life preserver.  After this disastrous keynote convention speech in 1988

Clinton went on the Johnny Carson's Tonight Show and did the same thing.  Not quite comedy but definitely popular culture.  Carson had a unique impact, too.  A wise Republican political consultant told me he could tell the mood of the country by listening to which jokes audiences responded to on The Tonight Show.  So this year, despite all the fuss about Comedy Central, is not the first time that the worlds of entertainment and comedy have had more than a small role in choosing our leaders.  And those are just in the past few elections. (OH, and don't forget JibJab. )

We aren't alone, of course.  The 18th Century British cartoonist William Hogarth, is still taught in political propaganda classes.   This one, The Times, is an example.   

The difference today may be the ubiquitousness of any information that emerges; it's not just in some elitist newspaper, it's all over the place.  It may also be the diminished influence of what used to be our respected news media.  Young people (and others) turn to comedy not just because it's arch, and fun, but because it's less pretentious and heavy-handed, and treats audience members as co-conspirators rather than as a single passive body. 

I worry that the deflation of our leaders that comes from the Comedy Central syndrome is as scary as it is useful.  Americans like to believe; that's part of the appeal of both Obama and McCain, I think.  And it's possible to believe without mindless acceptance.  But if all, or most of one's information emerges from the acerbic minds of comedy writers, does it undermine any capacity to follow a leader in what are truly perilous times? 

Franklin Roosevelt, through his Fireside Chats and other communications with Americans, was able to bring the country along as war drew closer.  Doris Kearns Goodwin, in NO ORDINARY TIME*, one of my favorite books, tells the story of one chat in particular.  FDR asked Americans, in advance, to get a map of the world and follow along as he described the current state of the war.  Maps sold out. And the Americans who had bought them sat there by the radio and followed as Roosevelt spoke.  You don't need comedy to inspire confidence when you have that kind of respect for your audience.  I guess you could say that FDR was a kind  of rock star who had built such a relationship with Americans during the Depression that  he was in a different situation, but still, it's a provocative example to place against 5 minute guest spots with Stewart or Colbert. 

This has been long and a bit rambling because I'm trying to think it all out here - and I still don't have an answer.  I do think it's going to be interesting to see how long this trend lasts -- at least in this incarnation.

*go to the link and search inside under Fireside Chat and map and you will find the story (pg. 319)

 

MOVIES, AIRPLANES AND (ALMOST NOT) ARRIVING IN ISRAEL

Never a dull moment. After a relatively uneventful flight from Dulles to Frankfurt – even two movies I wanted to see (Michael Clayton and Gone Baby, Gone) we went to the Lufthansa desk to pick up our boarding passes for the Frankfurt-Tel Aviv leg of our trip. The airport was teeming despite the fact tat it was only 7AM. This is such a big transit point that flights come in from all over the world and you think nothing of passing women in abayas, Africans in full regalia, European speaking every language in the EU and of course Americans of every conceivable type. Even though the airport is in one of, if not THE major commercial cities of Europe, the variety is such that you don’t really think of yourself as being in Germany but sort of floating in some netherworld.

After waiting in a very long line, we finally reached the ticket agent, who took quite some time to pull up our information. This is very unusual in a German institution, especially Lufthansa, which is always completely efficient. Then we found our why. Rick’s passport expires August 11th. Today is February 18th – a week short of six months. Israeli security requires that a passport be valid for at east six months after scheduled arrival in Israel. He’s a week shy of that and we spent an anxious couple of hours in the Lufthansa business class lounge waiting to see what would happen. But when the flight was finally called, (and after we went through Secrurity causing a ruckus as my Macbook Air emerged to flounce its way through the Xray machine) we waltzed onto the plane with nary a question. Much ado about nothing -- but given the German penchant for regulations and the Israeli attitude toward accommodation, it could have been otherwise.

Now we're in Tel Aviv - back at the wonderful Nina Suites in the arty neighborhood of Neve Tzedek, and enjoying what I"m pretty sure is a nice funky neighborhood about to turn into the unaffordable Soho of Tel Aviv.

But we're jet lagged and grubby and so now we're going to sleep. But I'm leaving you with one extra photo - te kind you show to your kids in the "gee wiz" years They were de-icing the wing right outside our window as we waited to leave Frankfurt.

COOL, HUH?

JEWISH SEX, HONOR AND HOLINESS

Sex and religion have always seemed at odds.  Stories of sexual impulsivity have been with us forever  - King David and Batsheva , Anna Karenina, , Atonement , Prince Charles, presidents, senators, preachers and ball players.  So it's not surprising that human beings struggle to maintain heavy sexual controls within the rules of faith.  Any faith.

In a class this week though, we studied the unique textual perspective toward sex within Judaism.  The great teacher Laura Shaw Frank, about whom I've written before, returned for four weeks to teach the Orthodox "Laws of Family Purity" -- an unfortunate term since, for me at least, the first association I make when I hear "family purity" is "racial purity."  But never mind, that's another conversation. 

There are complicated laws concerning marital relations, menstruation and other issues within the intimacies of marriage and we will study them for the next three weeks.  Last night though, we began at the beginning.  What do Jewish texts tell us about the place of sex in a Jewish life?

The premise: that sex, within Jewish life, is part of the holiness of famies, and serves to hold families, and traditions, together. "How can we say the "evil inclination" (sex drive) is very good?  It is to teach us that if there were no evil inclination, a man would not build a home for himself, and wouldn't marry a woman and wouldn't beget children.*"  The bottom line appears to be that honor, decency and institutional preservation depend upon sexual desire - which in turn, in those working to control it within themselves, leads to the creation of and adherence to civilization, marriage and family. 

Beyond that, these connections must work on three levels -- the interpersonal, between man and woman (or man/man or woman/woman, but not then), the cosmic - with God - and historic - with all of the Jewish people.  Always, sex is meant to allow us to honor one another and therefore honor God.  Throughout the class I kept thinking of this -- it seems to sum it all up.  A young soldier, leaving for war, trying to explain his departure to his beloved. It's going to be interesting to see how all of this supports some of the more unusual Orthodox rules of physical intimacy.  Stay tuned.

To Lucasta, Going off to the Wars
Richard Lovelace
(1618-1658)
 
Tell me not, Sweet, I am unkind,
That from the nunnery
Of thy chaste breast and quiet mind
To war and arms I fly.
True, a new mistress now I chase,
The first foe in the field;
And with a stronger faith embrace
A sword, a horse, a shield.

Yet this inconstancy is such
As thou too shalt adore;
I could not love thee, Dear, so much,
Loved I not Honour more.

*Kohelet Rabba 3:16

ASTOUNDING JEWISH WOMEN: THE JEWISH ORTHODOX FEMINIST ALLIANCE

A little over ten years ago some remarkable women, all Orthodox Jews, decided that the only way to have an impact on the role that women play in worship and governance in the Orthodox world was to organize.  Under the leadership of the legendary Blu Greenberg, JOFA ( Jewish Orthodox Feminist Alliance) was born.

From the beginning of my involvement in the Orthodox community, just three and a half years ago, I've been urged to be part of this group.  For a long time, and still, I feel a bit under-equipped.  I can argue for change and believe in it, but I can't cite the texts that support either current or possible future perspectives, and in Orthodoxy the texts are a big part of every Halachic (religious rules) argument.  I study quite frequently now, but compared to those who grew up in the parallel universe of Jewish day schools and have such a head start, I don't know if I'll ever feel confident in my knowledge.  Even so, I have spent much of this weekend at a JOFA conference here in Washington, and it has been thrilling.  And disturbing.  But thrilling.

There was a film --- Mekudeshet --- about the Agunah - women whose husbands refuse to grant them a Jewish divorce.  Orthodox women, without this  Jewish divorce, or "get," can't remarry.  Any children they may bear are illegitimate and may only marry other "children of the get."  Clearly, as in any other form of spousal abuse, it's a control issue.  Abusive husbands, men living with new women and even with new children, can leave their wives in limbo forever.  This is one of the areas JOFA works to change.

More universal were the panels.  One, on gender roles in K-12 education, was very provocative.  In many  Jewish day schools study of religious texts moves from coed to single-sex after somewhere around the 5th grade.  Of course when we do that by choice, and call it women's education (I went to Smith and found it enormously liberating) we appreciate the freedom to be ourselves and not be cowed by louder, deeper voices.  The difference is that in Jewish education, when genders are separated, it's more often for holiness, the perceived gender difference in roles and the presumed "danger" women bring to distract men than it is to empower young women to learn more completely.  It's an interesting question.  When we choose it, many of us love- and are grateful for - single-sex education.  Quite correctly, I believe, resent it bitterly when we are "banished" to the girls classes, leaving the boys behind.  Is it possible to truly assimilate what is useful for girls in studying only with one another if there's no other choice?  Or is it always going to re-enforce the frequent sense of gender inferiority that this conference works to remove?

My choice for the second panel was one dealing with women and text - and all the factors of interpretation that emerge as more and more women become fluent in religious texts.  You aren't going to believe this but for a long time, women were not allowed to study many of the interpretive works, and held in a kind of limbo as far as religious learning was concerned.  Change is coming in this arena though - from the co-ed Maimonides Jewish Day School, founded in Brookline, MA in 1937 and emerging as the institution that broke the stranglehold on single-sex text Talmud study, to all the new institutions like Drisha to deeply educate women in text and religious rulings (Halacha.)   Now it's common for women to study these works.  I go to class every Tuesday night - but it's still considered "progressive" to offer girls (and women) equal access to all learning.

I always find it empowering, even inspiring, to attend conferences of women.  Every year my days at BlogHer are treasures that sustain me all year.  WAM!, the Woman and Media conference, has the same effect.  This one, though, was especially moving.  Brainy, funny, lively and open, these Orthodox women are working to change more than a government, an attitude or a movement.  Sustained by and committed to a faith more than 5,767 years old, observant in the laws of Kashrut and family law, they work to ensure that Jewish life will be even more meaningful, and equal, for their daughters (and sons) than it has been for them.