Don't Gel Too Soon

SUKKOT, HOLIDAYS, IS GOD AROUND HERE SOMEPLACE?, ENOUGH IS ENOUGH

This is a Sukkah.  More on that in a minute.

My mother always used to tell me that it was better leave a party before you wanted to.  "Leave while it's still fun" she would say, "and you'll have loved every minute you were there."  I always thought that was a rationalization for wanting me home at a decent hour, but I think, as in many things, she was right.  We are now awaiting the last three days of what will be, in September and this week of October, ELEVEN days of limited activity and expected entertaining.  OH - and religious services, of course:  Rosh Hashanah, Yom Kippur and the first and then final days of Sukkot.  All of which fell on Thursday and Friday.  Leading into Saturday.  Which is the Sabbath.  SO.  No TV.  No phones.  No computers.  No e-mail even. No cooking for many of those days and ONLY for the day in question the rest of those days. 

Remember, these are very holy days, too.  You have to be sure to keep that in your mind; go to services and try to connect.  Our services are very uplifting and moving; we're there all day and there's lots of singing  and shared emotion.  You really know you've been praying and it's a time when it's easier to connect with one's faith (at least for me.)

It also means, however,  that on Rosh Hashanah (the New Year) there was dinner Wednesday night, Thursday night and Friday night and lunch on Thursday, Friday and Saturday.  On Yom Kippur, a fast day, there was just preparation of a meal the night before.  That's 7 meals.  We got through this fine - hosting three meals; and going to others for the other four.  It was a lot of cooking and enormous anxiety but it all was in the service of sharing and honoring these remarkable holidays with those we care about; our older son and his girl friend were even there for part of it; all worked out well. 

So where's the BUT?  You know there's one coming.  Well, five days later we hit Sukkot -- the holiday where you have to eat outside in a "booth" (you can see the commandment here and an explanation at the bottom of this post)-- to commemorate the Jewish people's time living in booths in the desert during the Exodus.   That's ours in the photo (undecorated because I can't take photos on the holidays when it IS all set up.)   Again, two meals for two days at the beginning running into the Sabbath and two more at the end next week running into ANOTHER Sabbath.  AND you have people over the in the days in between too, at least a little bit. 

Most people I think are exhausted - hardly any have issued meal invitations although I hosted one lunch last Friday and we went to another family for dinner.  That still left three of the five uninvited.  That's as stressful as cooking for the ones we host.  Where were we going - who was going where we weren't?  Why did it matter?  What about praying - why is this temporal stuff  on our minds at all? 

I have to admit it bothers me a little; others I know are supremely troubled by it. I feel like such a whiny little brat.  Here we are just celebrating our third year as active participants in this life and almost into our third living in this community - having gained and learned so much - and I'm complaining.  It's so not what faith is supposed to be about but it's still a real issue - especially when you haven't been doing this long.

This is the first year we've really hosted people in our Sukkah and so we wanted all to be just right; mostly we have done great except for those invitation gaps.  I'm disappointed about that.  And I'm ashamed of us for caring at all.  These holidays are supposed to bring us closer to God but after seven days with three more coming all I feel close to is exhaustion.  I've spoken to many friends about this; the women, upon whom the cooking seems to fall, are more pissed but the guys are also tired.  Everyone is a little cranky. (My husband suggests that he is both tired AND cranky and the one doing most of the "taking inventory.") That's probably true but it's contagious!

Worst of all, it's so anticlimactic.  I wish you could have been with us on Yom Kippur.  This holy day, which I had always experienced as solemn and sad, is, in our synagogue, a day of happiness.  We are there because of the gift of repentance, we are participating in a service that is thousands of years old, the music is just extraordinary and the ritual moving and humbling.  The young doctor who leads our service is profoundly spiritual and an amazing musician - here's a sample of my favorite.

;   I call him the Bruce Springsteen of prayer because of the energy and depth he offers us, and we leave uplifted and inspired. 

So maybe the rapid slide into STILL MORE holiday after something so profound robs us of the full celebration of our Yom Kippur prayers - cutting off our feelings from that day but, as I write this, perhaps reminding us that one day's repentance isn't going to carry us through the year - or even the week - and that we must continue to try to find ways to follow our faith each moment, not just revel in past moments of spiritual ascendance.  And I guess each emotion is a brick in the road to where ever we're bound - this though is certainly not one I'm proud of.

***One rabbi explains: THE SUKKA reminds us of Israel's honeymoon with God in the hostile desert (of cruel history-- there must be more shade than sun in the sukka), and of Divine clouds hovering over them (= eventual redemption; stars must be visible thru the sukka roof-- Rav Riskin); God's protection against forces of evil, when the Jews seem most vulnerable (e.g. 1948, 1991 and Purim), climaxes in the pre- Messianic battles of our Haftarot. Then God will raise up David's fallen "sukka"-- the 3rd Temple, preceded by the rediscovered tabernacle. Discomfort, e.g. rain, exempts one from Sukka-- but those truly great stay, experiencing no discomfort when surrounded by God's glory (The Berditchever). The sukka is a symbol of peace, for it is open-- to the elements of nature, to the heavens above and, foremost, to guests, far and near (Rav Avigdor Hacohen). As we invite guests to our sukka, not only do we do a good deed of kindness and spread holiday cheer, but we also imitate God Himself, the Ultimate Model Host, Who constantly feeds, clothes and houses all His creatures; we thus develop our own Divine Image. 

SNOWED UNDER

I'm making a presentation on Thursday and co-chairing/producing a benefit on Sunday so this is it until Monday.  Wish me luck -- and a good week to all!

DC RESTAURANTS: BEFORE AND AFTER

So Foodmomiac, whose writing, recipes and self I hold in high regard, asks for five top restaurants in one's hometown.  I have to do 10 -- 5 PRE-kosher life and 5 SINCE Kosher life.

Since Kosher is easiest since there are only around 10 in DC anyway

JCC Cafe - more nicely appointed than the others and nice, regular food.

Pita Plus - Shwarma and lots of other Middle Eastern meat stuff

Max's - Great matzo ball soup, schwarma, so-so fried chicken, good fries (according to my husband) etc.

Eli's - a NY coffee shop type menu - salads with sliced steak, burgers (zillions of types) plus some real "entrees."

Ben Yehuda Pizza - Great pizza w/spinach and tomato and lots more.

NOW - before we began our Kosher life - there were several we loved.  Here are 5 of them:

Bistro Bis - cool, beautiful and delicious -- American/French cuisine - light.

Neyla - Spectacular Middle Eastern food in an elegant setting (expensive)

Cafe Milano - The Clintons eat here and so do a lot of other "cool folks" on the patio and inside... but celebrity haven or not it's great Italian food (expensive)

Bombay Club - A fabulous Indian restaurant with a great outdoor area for dinner near the White House at dusk. 

THE END OF MATZO MANIA - FOR NOW

Well it's finally over. All that's left now is to move all the Passover stuff (dishes, pots, flat ware, utensils, pot holders, dish towels, condiments, coffee pot, etc) down to the basement and reinstitute the usual kitchen -- including replacing a pantry full of cereal, rice, Tasty Bites instant Indian food, cous cous, brownie mixes, pasta sauce, olives, capers, and all the rest.)

It's a real pain in the neck. I started this post Tuesday night and should have taken photos but suffice it to say we stopped and started and it's now 7AM Thursday and everything is back where it was. I'm kind of embarassed by how hostile this long long holiday has made me. In the time from the Monday night it started until Wednesday evening of the next week, we spent five days living "Sabbath rules" -- no driving, no cooking, no turning lights on /off, no shopping etc. In addition to all the stuff we weren't allowed to eat (Passover rules forbid anything that isn't "kosher for Passover" -- nothing that has been leavened (bread, cereal, pasta etc). plus lots of other products without Kosher for Passover lables) we used different dishes, pots, utensils, napkins, dish towels etc etc etc. (Those were some of what I had to store at the close of the holiday.)

I used to really love Passover and very early on some of our Orthodox friends (women) warned me that it was so much work I might never feel the same way about it despite the magnificent religious and political messages of freedom and justice it contains.

It's the enormous amout of work that changes things. For some reason it really set me off - I've been pissed for days, even though, unlike our friends, I didn't do any entertaining to speak of. Since this was the first year we've observed the holiday in this way, we only bought a few "Pesach" articles; figured next year we'd do it up right. One of my friends told me I might have been less upset if I'd just invited people and used paper plates.... that not entertaining for some of the TEN!! "festive meals" - (Sabbath eve and lunch -- as well as two seders, two other dinners on the last two days and four lunches i addition to Shabbat) -- just made me feel more anxious. We did enjoy each of the meals to which we were invited, and were grateful to be asked, but who knows?

Anyway it's over now until next year; I have some time to get used to yet another set of obligations. Some days it seems that there are so many and I'm nowhere near all the way there yet.... They say this religion is a journey not a destination. Last week was one where I really felt I still have a long way to go!

WINE, WOMEN AND PLAY DATES (Yeah I'm late on this)

I must have been one of the last people on the planet to hear about this ruckus -- a profile of mothers together at the swing set, pushing the kids with glasses of wine in hand.  As I read in Her Bad Mother, the story appeared on my old alma mater THE TODAY SHOW, where I worked for nine proud and happy years.  I don't know whether I'm more upset with the content of the story, the reaction or the fact that TODAY is, generally, so much less substantial than it was when I worked there.  ADD THIS: I just read most of the back story to all this at the source:  Melissa Summers' Suburban Bliss.  If even part of it is true (and I have no reason to doubt any of it) then it's far more a scandal about television than it is about drinking and moms.  PLEASE READ THIS.  It also includes links to many comments on the matter.

As I said before I read Melissa's very troubling post, "This story looked unbalanced to me - at least the video did, so I was glad to learn from Jenn Satterwhite's Mommy Bloggers post that TODAY is planning a follow-up on Friday."  In the mean time take a look at what Catherine (Her Bad Mother) and others (Google Blog Search turned up dozens of posts) have had to say about this.  I want to watch the follow-up before I say anything.  I lived around bad alcohol issues at one point in my life and am very sensitive to the issue so am remaining silent for now.

PLEASE COMMENT though if you have thoughts about this.

Stress (whining again -- sorry)

Here we go again!  Both boys are coming on Saturday, my brother-in-law and his family will be here UNTIL Saturday, we'd like the kids to meet our friends in this new neighborhood, I have tons of work, no presents for anyone yet, and between Rick and me we maybe sleep a combination of 8 hours a night.  Not a good combination.

I'm not sure what's doing it either.  I think I have to find a way to chill and remember what's important -- which is for everyone to have a good time and for me not to stress too much about cooking, etc.  But between our kosher life, the dearth of decent ways to eat out here and the cost of taking everyone out all the time we do need to eat more meals at home than we used to.  So I need to plan.  AND still do work.  AND see friends before the Big Week begins.

AND do my share of the household maintenance, crooked contractor lawsuit documentation and other pleasures.  (That photo on the left is the unsupported tile floor being taken up to be COMPLETELY redone including the addition of the necessary but OMITTED subfloor.  Oh you have no idea......)

Even so I'm so excited to have the boys here in our "new" house -- and the rest just has to settle down.  Kitchen floors and extra people and unpredictability are gifts, not curses.  I know that. 

After all, the boys and Amy will be here, we're all pretty healthy and still love each other. That's a good holiday present right there....

SAFE ARRIVAL

We're in Tel Aviv (that's our view on the left) after a lovely set of VERY long flights. The kosher food theme could emerge once more if I let it; horrible on United from DC to Frankfurt -- much better from Frankfurt to Tel Aviv. I've got to get over this. It's clear that I have a food thing; it's certainly partly about surrendering power over what I'm eating but there has to be more since I'm totally fine running a kosher home. I think from now on I'm bringing food -- a nuisance for someone who already looks like a refugee when boarding - with laptop, a couple of books, crocheting (on long trips) and more. AND I have to get into the issues that are doing this to me - whatever they are. We're so happy seeing friends we first met thirty years ago -- more details when I'm completely through time changes....

MAD MAX[INE] - KOSHER ON THE ROAD

This is the first time I've tried to eat only kosher food on the road. We called the hotel where we were going to stay (they have been really nice so I'm not saying where) and the guy asked if we needed a special dining room too. (No, we aren't germ-averse, just food-specific) We got the dinner we had ordered and it came in paper containers (soup) and plastic plates (bread, good rare rib roast slice and green beans) and Styrofoam (tea.) I asked about the caterer -- it was the local Jewish Home for the Aged! Lunch is later today so can’t report on that.

I'm having trouble getting used to this.

I want my mobility. I want my connection to the rest of the world through food. I want to walk into a diner at the beach or a middle eastern place in LA and just sit down.

I want --- that's the issue, isn't it? I have to learn when to slam the "I want" into the drawer and just go with the rules. I'm perfectly comfortable doing it at home - but I don't have to give anything up to do that, really. It's just a matter of careful logistics. On the road it's different. I feel the pull of the "outside world" that keeping kosher seems to limit in some ways. I need to learn how to handle this - and I don't want to write too much about it right now. I just wanted to document this experiment in kosher road warriorhood. And to mention that in a hotel where they had no idea of the scope or reason for our requests they went out of their way to make it pleasant. That's a lovely thing. If they can bother - I have to learn how to bother too without complaining.

If I'm really honest I have to say that my biggest fear is imposing anything on my non-kosher kids. They were not raised in all this and there's no reason to expect then to live as we do. But I'm afraid it will become a burden between us - -- not because of them -- they are caring and considerate and will help us to do what we need -- but because I'll be guilty and apologetic and make everything harder for all of us by overcompensating – both at their homes and at ours. I know I'll figure it all out but some days I'm more aware than others of the "giving up stuff' side that is part of what has brought us to all the peace and beauty of this new life.

OUT OF THE CLOSET

I sometimes write about the beginnings of this Jewish life I am trying to live.  Today a piece I wrote this summer appears in the Orthodox Union magazine - called Shabbat Shalom.  It's about the day I made our home kosher.  It's pretty straightforward but for anyone who wonders how I can write about Patti Smith and observant Judaism in the same post, it will be interesting.  Actually, I'm pretty proud of it.  Here's a preview - then you can go read it.

October 18, 2006  I Have a Kosher Home 

Today I kashered my kitchen. Well, actually – a lovely Tunisian friend named Riadh and his catering team did the work. I just designated things milk, meat and parve and called the Rabbi to ask if I had to get rid of all my knives and whether you had to polish the silver before kashering it (you don’t.) Strange things happened. The idea of giving up my mother’s bread knife had me close to tears. The idea of never using my blue mugs (now dairy) when I served dinner on our white china (meat) made me angry. Was I sure – I asked myself – that this was the right decision – a commitment that, once made, I would honor as a matter of principle as well as faith

I wrote it because I was asked to - but it was valuable to have to describe something about our Orthodox life in concrete terms.  There's a 12 step saying "fake it til you make it."  I've discovered that it works well in a quest for faith too.  When Woody Allen said 90% (or 85 or 95 depending on the source) of life is just showing up." he was right.  If you're not there trying you aren't going to get very far.

So take a look and let me know what you think.  This has been an important passage for me and it flies in the face of the secular nature of the political and social circles in which I've always lived. So many people are moving in the other direction - Europe - always a place I felt supremely comfortable - is mostly secular now.  So is the progressive universe in which I spend most of my time.  Even so I feel a sense of peace that I haven't known before as I make my way slowly toward more and more observant living.  Probably part of the reason is that no one is pushing me -- my husband and I determine the speed and nature of our evolution and it's often not at precisely the same rate.  But we're getting where we need to go and learning to accept the discipline.  Our children have come, I think, to at least respect what we're doing; at the same time, we need to remember to respect their right to decide their own spiritual lives even if the decision differs radically from ours. 

That's enough.  Read the piece and comment here, will you?  I want to know how it looks from the outside.

Spirit, Sukkot and Love

I'm in the middle of considerable chaos.  If you're an observant Jew you spend this week eating all your meals in something called a Sukkah.  It's a sort of four-walled canvas room with a roof made of branches or corn husks or bamboo because you have to be able to see the stars at night from inside.  The idea is to remember the Jews wandering the desert living in "booths."  It sounds so weird it's hard to explain but it's also lovely and romantic and a great way to have company in the crisp autumn lunches and evenings.  It's all lit with sparkly white lights (like Christmas decorations) and great fun.

The chaos comes from the cooking and planning.  I had a big lunch last Saturday and because it was the Sabbath had to cook it all in advance. It was damp and chilly but fortunately someone had lent me a crock pot so I put the soup on low just before the Sabbath started on Friday night and it was still hot for lunch on Saturday.  One of my guests was a vegetarian so I also made salmon, tabouli, eggplant casserole and salad.  A friend brought brownies and I made banana bread.  But it took FOREVER and learning how to arrange everything to serve outside added to the stress.  Everyone loved it but I was exhausted. 

One friend of mine does 16 people at a time (I had 11 counting us) and I'm damned if I know how.  I am still learning how to do all this -especially in a kosher kitchen.  The food DOES matter - it's a sign of respect both to God and the holiday and to those who have entertained us so graciously as we made our way into all this so I get great satisfaction once the chaos has subsided but it's tough along the way.  I am blessed in having friends to guide me and answer stupid questions like "can I use a "meat" infusion blender and still serve fish?"  Kosher niceties...

The funny thing is that the life we're building now, around religious observance, sukkahs, fasts and prayers, builds a community that feels like the first real one since our days in the peace movement.  The goals are strangely similar too, a better world, better selves and great, common goals. 
I guess part of all this is the deep loss I have felt as those feeling dissipated in our days since the Civil Rights and Anti-War movements.  How amazing that the route back to them goes through the oldest of pathways.