WEDDINGS, WITCHES AND JEWISH LIFE

Weddings are life markers - milestones on a singular journey.  Every time, just like today, the two whose lives are joined know that their wedding is the most meaningful, the most special, of all.  Every time, just like today, their family and friends smile and sigh, nod knowingly or watch in wonder.  Most times, just like today, there is feasting and dancing, laughing and crying,  present and past.

The couple in this picture are grownups with jobs, a just-completed dissertation and a real sense of wonder that they found one another and managed to make their way to this day.  They planned the wedding, designed the exquisite chuppah (wedding canopy) that has been part of Jewish marriage for centuries, and worked to make the day special in every way (they succeeded.) 

This is the third wedding I've attended this year and the third traditional observant Jewish wedding ever.  That's very unusual for someone my age but we're blessed with friends who have made us part of their extended family and asked us to share these blessed days with them.  Today, for the third time in a year I watched a groom led to his bride by a swarm of singing, dancing men; I've watched him lower the veil over the face of the woman he now knew for sure was his beloved.  (Jacob was duped and married the wrong sister; at least 600 years old, this tradition evokes that story and acknowledges its power.)  When I first learned of it it sounded barbaric to me.  Men taking possession of property, I thought.  Check out the goods.

Somehow though, in the years I've spent moving toward an observant life, it's come to mean something quite different: a reverent bow to the centrality of a sound life partnership - not for everyone but certainly  for those who choose to marry.  Marriage is not just the economic and legal partnership so often described in political conversation, it's an ancient entity with real resonance and a gigantic role in the preservation of a humane, loving and sometimes sacred society. It requires tradition carried on; it requires the presence of ceremony and ritual to link it to the couples of past generations. 

On my favorite guilty pleasure, Charmed, rituals of birth and marriage are attended not only by those who share the lives and loves of the Halliwell sisters (yeah they're witches and their story spent 8 TV seasons enchanting us all) but also by those who came before.  They summon, "through space and time"  all members of "the Halliwell line."  Surrounded by these transluscent figures of past generations, today's Halliwells celebrate marriages and new arrivals.  Those fully and those ephemerally present conclude together "blessed be."

What does this have to do with Jewish weddings -- or any other terrestrial weddings for that matter?  A lot.  Eight years on the air, the longest running show with female leads, it dealt often with travel through time and space and dominions never imagined.  But when really important events arose, all the magic was supplanted by a single, simple spell that basically --well -- brought the family together.  For them it was across ghostly generations...it was a show about witches after all.  But that really is what weddings do, and in my limited experience, the weddings of observant Jews are events with special power because they consider a wedding the "creation of a home" where Jewish life will be lived and celebrated.  "Home" is represented by the wedding canopy, or "chuppah" under which the bride and groom marry, surrounded by loved ones of prior and subsequent generation:  grandparents and parents, aunts and brothers, sisters and nephews. 

This particular chuppah was built from branches rescued from a clearing near Boston and covered by a tablecloth that had belonged to the bride's grandmother, who had died the year before.   My husband's and mine was covered by the prayer shawls of our grandfathers - mine near death and too frail to attend, his gone just a couple of years before.  Again, instinctively, we, like this bride, sought connections over time. 

I"m not saying this well but what I think is that we're hardwired to want to be part of something "larger than ourselves" and faith and family are that something.  For observant Jews, these connections are manifested throughout the ceremony and the traditions surrounding it.  That timeless ritual and all that surrounds it bring the gift of place and meaning - the reminder that as we celebrate a marriage we join the circle once more, honoring all that has been given us and accepting the responsibility to pass it on.

Comments

[Judaism history]

Nice sharing, It's nice reading your post.

[jewish books]

Wedding day could somehow be called family reunions. Family connections and friends are gather here for this meaningful event, and you share a wonderful thoughts with.

[wedding reception ideas]

weddings are a very special day. i just got married 3 months ago and it was awesome. Thanks for sharing the article.

[Cynthia Samuels]

Catherine that's damned impressive - I don't think there's a member of my family several circles out that I'd go camping with -- even if my child were a true Wonderbaby too! Kudos.

[Her Bad Mother]

Just beautiful, Cynthia. Really. A perfect reminder of what matters, of why rituals are important - of why HOME is important (she says after having spent a weekend camping with in-laws - which is as challenging to one's idea of home and family as is anything.;))

[Cynthia Samuels]

Any time Ms. Liz. Honored to have you as a visitor. I was trying to explain blogging today to someone MY AGE!!! who was completely bewildered. One of the things I found myself explaining was that this medium allows me to discover things I never knew about myself. I'm shocked at the frequency with which I write about tradition and family, structure and togetherness. Clearly this is a painful topic in my life and it was only through this outlet that I figured it out. In sharing with one another we find more of ourselves than we thought was there....

[Mom101]

This is really beautiful Cynthia. I caught it last week and had it in my head when I attended my cousin's wedding this past Sunday. Thank you for pointing it out.

[Cindy Samuels]

Thanks. After the responses to this post both here and via email I want to try to think more about the impact of these feelings on our lives today. Clearly the longing for more continuity and tradition is not mine alone. I'm grateful to the incentive to keep pursuing this.

[Asher]

Beautiful essay. It was our pleasure and honor to have you at our wedding. We love you and Dr. Rick.

[Liza]

There is something wonderful and amazing about the way weddings connect families and family-friends across time.

Last summer, I attended a beautiful wedding (http://www.ariellovesdana.com/) in which the chuppah poles were cut from a tree that the bride's parents planted in their yard the year she was born. I loved that!

That's probably also part of why Jill and I were so thrilled to be able to wear my grandmother's and her mother's wedding dresses in our own wedding.

[Ilana-Davita]

Another beautiful post! Thank you.

[jlepfaff]

Cindy, What a wonderful post! You have captured well the importance of the connectedness of our past with our future and how events like weddings create a sense of a new beginning rooted in the love of our long extended families. I have often felt sad that in modern life we seem to miss the significance of "rites of passage." Thanks for the post.

[Mocha]

What a fantastic bringing together of traditions and families and connections. I loved the veil part and, like you, have come to not just appreciate but LOVE the traditions that I previously did not understand.

[elley]

That was just perfect! Thanks for sharing.