WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU CAN'T EAT IN MY HOUSE?

I just came from a beautiful, moving wedding that reminded me once again of everything I love about this observant Jewish life we are living.  It is a privilege to have the warmth and spiritual richness that it provides and I understand that more every day.  Sometimes though, even after nearly four years, the process is a pain.  I wrote this a couple of days ago and haven't posted it because it's so cranky; now as I recall the beauty of Jewish ritual, I can balance that grouchiness  with a gratitude for all I have gained.  So read it with that in mind.

I had a long conversation a couple of days ago with a close friend.  He wanted us to come to dinner, and when I explained that, because we eat only kosher food and use utensils that have only dealt with kosher food, it would be better if he came to us, it came as something of a shock.  All he wanted was to extend hospitality to us, and I had to refuse it.  A very troubling experience. 

I have had, and continue to have, a real sense of peace and meaning and connection since we've been living this life, and wouldn't trade it for anything, but as you know, I've written plenty about my battle with keeping kosher. Initially romantic about the whole thing, I started to get angry when facing (as opposed to all the great cooking that goes on in this community) the inedible stuff that passes for kosher food on airplanes, and sometimes at conferences. 

Because I've only been living a really observant life for the past four years, it's still anything but automatic.  Because I've only been living a really observant life for the past four years, I know what Pho tastes like, and ham sandwiches, and lobster.  And the great feeling of discovery when you wander into a little hole-in-the-wall restaurant and it's just fabulous.  All gone now.  And most of the time, I'm fine with that.  But here are some things that sometimes continue to be difficult:

1. Packing for a week at the beach(that's half of what we took in the photo) and needing to bring utensils and pots and kosher ingredients or pre-prepared meals that have been frozen.  (Although I admit that once you get there, it's great that there's so little work left to do!)
2. Having to take your own grill no matter how nice the one in the rental house is because non-kosher meat has been cooked on that one.
3. Going to a good-bye party for a friend and, while the  rest of the guests eat Chinese food, eating a (very considerately provided) salad.
4. Not much access to great ethnic foods because there are so few kosher ethnic restaurants around here.  We go to a vegan Chinese place that's pretty good but some of my friends believe that even that is unacceptable.
5. Conference meals.
6. Airline meals (I know I already said that but they are God-awful -- at least in the U.S.)
7. Accidentally getting milk in the meat Tupperware and, because plastic can't be kashered, having to throw it out.
8. More important than any of this: assuming the separateness that comes with these rules.  I can't eat at my friend's house unless he serves cold salad and canned tuna or something else that has not been cooked - and then only on brand-new or paper plates.  With brand-new or disposable utensils.  And he feels bad.  And so do I.  And group events like Thanksgiving are tough unless our hosts are willing, as our older son and his fiance (and her mom) were, to buy kosher turkey etc and serve us on paper plates. 

They call it the "yoke of heaven" and I have accepted it, mostly with equanimity.  The kosher stuff gets easier and since we live in a fairly self-contained community since you need to walk to services, I don't encounter these problems all that often.  When I do, people are more than happy to arrange something that's kosher for me.  Really.

I told my friend that if I had food allergies (remember how Carol Channing brought her own food to a White House dinner?) they wouldn't be hurt.  This is kind of the spiritual equivalent:  keeping kosher supports my quest for spiritual health. 

We live in an amazing community and, as I'm fond of telling people, following some of these tougher rules is the "price of the ticket." And many of the rules add to our spiritual center.  To be part of what is being built here spiritually, ethically and socially, we share the adherence to the rules that enable it all.  And the rule is that you're not supposed to say "Pork is horrible, I'm glad I'm not allowed to eat it" but rather, "I'm sure it's very good, but my observance prevents me from eating it."  In other words, I choose this life, these rules.  I choose to work toward understanding G-d's role in my life and the sense of peace that comes with it.  I choose to find new ways to be with people I love who don't live this life.  And sometimes it really is hard.  And that's that.

Comments

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[aruba beach weddings]

i can definitely relate with you. i am right there with you.

[Cynthia Samuels]

This is so funny! Got your email before I read this. I'm sure it IS easier for veggies -- vegan is my definite default on the road and in planes -- and at BlogHer for that matter..... See you in SF.

[Mel]

Hey--I'm so glad that Liza introduced us because this is a great post (and I am the kosher vegetarian who ate at the vegan Chinese restaurant in Rockville!). It's hard in this area. It's really hard to eat out or to make those decisions at a friend's house. I've done this for so many years that I do it unconsciously (I've also never had meat so it's different because it's easier to be a kosher vegetarian and not know what you're missing) and I still feel badly when we're in someone's house. Not the stuff that only affects me; but when my choices affect others.

Great post.

[Cynthia Samuels]

Tzip - I know what you mean! We're actually in Israel quite a bit - if you look around my blog you'll find lots of posts about our trips there (we come to go to Pardes, and with our congregation). My issue is with accepting the hospitality of others, and some of the just plain work - when you didn't grow up with it it can grate on you. OH and don't get me started on Pesach! (actually I wrote about that too, and the Haggim in the fall.) THanks so much for your great observation.

[tzip]

i found your blog on haveil havalim.

i gotta say - you must come for a visit (or more!) to Israel. The food situation is totally different and incredible - i love having kosher food everywhere - in malls, airport, museums - and those tiny little holes in the wall with incredible food are everywhere!

good luck!

[Ilana-Davita]

This is so good Cynthia; and something I can relate to.
You should definitely submit this to Haveil Havalim.

[Cynthia Samuels]

Liza it's a great question and one I think I need to write a whole post about. The short version is that I run my home in ways that mean that any of my observant friends can eat here. That means I observe as they do with the same level of adherence.
Going out, I try to use the role models I have. Yes I have always been anti-authority but in a funny way since I CHOSE this authority, it isn't the same. Gotta think about what more to say - as usual you got to the heart of the matter.

[Liza]

I can't imagine how challenging it must be, especially in the context of friends wanting to spend time with you.

I do find the ways that different observant Orthodox Jews find to balance that issue in their lives just fascinating.

Some take what looks to me like a very rule-affirming interpretation -- ie, if it isn't explicitly ok, then it isn't ok, ie the Chinese vegan restaurant. Others take a more boundary-driven interpretation -- there are lines they won't cross, but there is also more grey area, ie willingness to eat foods that are served as kosher, even in a non-kosher home or restaurant.

I'm curious about how you came to your interpretation and decisionmaking process about this, since as you have discussed, it was a major change from your earlier life. It also seems like a very different approach to the rules/authority than you have otherwise taken in your life.

I hope that doesn't come across as judgmental -- it comes from a place of curiousity about your journey and your thinking, not a view that anything is wrong.

[Sharon]

"Keeping kosher" is something I have heard about for years, but I never understood what it meant. You explained it beautifully. I would think it can change your life, for the better, to be part of a community like the one you described.