For My Friends with Young Children, or My Annual Post-Thanksgiving Meditation

Here's the thing.  My children live far away, one six hours to the west and the other, with his fiance, six hours to the east.  We've been together for Thanksgiving week - all of us - hanging out, cooking, touring around DC, running errands and just being -- and being thankful.  It's always special when the whole family is together; it seemed so natural when the boys were little and now it's a treat.  I cooked a million meals with them banging around in the kitchen.  Now it's a precious thing when I make turkey meatloaf with my younger son.  I watch him, an accomplished cook, chop like a pro, listen as he reassures me that this new thing will taste great, laugh with him, trade recipes.  I rode around in cars, subways, buses with them all the time, and, along with their dad, dragged them into a million stores from grocery to toys to clothing to antiques.  Now it's the pleasure of serious shopping at Ikea with my older son and his fiance, getting to be around while they choose a sofa.  Seeing what a fine woman she is, watching them seamlessly making decisions together, measuring, taking photos, laughing, planning.  It feels great to see them launching themselves so well together and makes it OK that much of their life is lived far from us.  That's how it is.

I know though, that when kids are little, schlepping them in and out of car seats and strollers, keeping them occupied while you try to cook, keeping little hands out of the Ikea toy bins, mediating murderous sibling battles, keeping a home running while keeping kids in line - it's a lot.  I remember.  It doesn't matter whether you work outside your home or stay home with your family; either way there's so much to handle.  I kept thinking about that as I wandered around Washington with these adults who are also, forever, my children, reminding myself how long it would be before we would all do it together again.  Reminding myself that it's a credit to us that our kids are self-sufficient, productive and wonderfully decent, funny, loving men -- and how blessed we are that they chose to come to us for the holiday -- and that it's right, and good, that they have their own lives and homes and futures.

But though that's true, I wanted to tell you about this because it goes so fast.  All the cliches are true.  Turn around and they're grown.  That doesn't mean it isn't hard to keep things going now, it just means that those days will be gone, sooner than you think.

My youngest is approaching 30.  My oldest is getting married.  They have money market accounts and careers and fiances and plans and even some gray hairs.  They teach me more than I teach them (although that was always true.)  They are, like those of you reading this, grown ups, and my husband and I have our own rich and happy life together.  But it still can be, for those few moments of farewell at the end of each visit, desperately painful, on both sides.

As we drove to the airport last night, I (sort of) joked that I had to hook my iPod up to the car radio so that, when I was sad after leaving them off, I could blast Bruce, or Great Big Sea to make me feel a little better.  When we arrived at the departure entrance, I got out of the car to help unload the bags.  My son the chef was still in the front seat of the car. I was worried that a cop would throw me out of the parking place so I went toward the door to ask what he was doing.  He turned around.  "You iPod's all hooked up" he said, and reached out to give me a hug goodbye.

Comments

[Lauren @ Hobo Mama]

All right, I'm crying, too. Beautiful.

[Erica]

I've got tears in my eyes and an almost one year old in the other room.

I am reminded that I need to stop waiting for it all to be handled... because by the time it is, I will miss the chaos and the work terribly.

Lovely post. Your kids are lucky (grown-up) boys.

[Mary Margaret Hansen]

What a great Thanksgiving or 'a giving of thanks' for getting to spend time with our adult children. They are such a pleasure to be with - and always were, even when they were little and throwing peas on the floor and we were car pooling and baking cookies for them.

[PunditMom]

This is so lovely. You are so right and I try to remember this when I get frustrated with my soon-to-be nine-year-old. When I get frustrated with the daily frustrations of being a mom to a third-grader who has discovered she has a mind and will of her own, I will remember this.

[Grammie]

Oh....I can so identify with every beautiful word that you wrote. As a mom of two grown sons, I totally understand what you are saying....

Thanks for writing so much of what I am feeling...in such a special way.

[Lawyer Mama]

Cynthia, you've made me cry. Sometimes when we're in the middle of all of it, we need some perspective. Thank you for giving it.

[Jeremy]

Beautiful post, particularly since I've been up most of the past week with young, sick kids. Thanks for the dose of perspective.

[Kay Dennison]

I'm delighted that you were able to gather the clan! My children live far away, too, and I don't see them nearly enough.

[Donna]

What a sweet post, Cindy. I've been thinking about this a lot this weekend too - my daughter is turning into a teenager... and we spent Friday wine tasting with my niece, who just turned 21 (which is a little bit freaky - wasn't that long ago she was in diapers - at least, in our eyes!)

[Lady M]

What a beautiful post - thank you!

(SV Moms)

[Karen S.]

Thank you for this lovely post--reminding us to cherish even the most difficult of times with our kids. You must have been an amazing Mom--your kids were and are lucky to have you.

[Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah]

Thank you. When they are four and frustrating sometimes a little perspective is all I need to take a deep breath and remember how great this age is.

[Mel]

You're making me bawl. I'm so glad you got to be together for the holidays. But even thinking about those goodbyes in the future--to college, at the end of vacations, etc.--is breaking my heart.

You're making me bawl. I'm so glad you got to be together for the holidays. But even thinking about those goodbyes in the future--to college, at the end of vacations, etc.--is breaking my heart.

[Florinda]

My son (24-year-old electrical engineer) came out to LA from DC to spend Thanksgiving with us. We hadn't seen him since last Christmas, and he'll be with his dad this Christmas, so this was my time with him for this year. It was too short, but sweet.

Since I'm a similar place to where you are as a mom, I really appreciate what you said here.

[Her Bad Mother]

This broke my heart. In a good way, but still. *CHOKE*

[jodifur]

What a gorgeous post. And sometimes you need to be reminded that while it seems so hard, it all goes by soo fast.

[Amy Nathan]

I enjoyed this so much. I love reading the thoughts of moms who have older kids -- I'm usually the one and my kids are teenagers. I'll be back. :)

[ilinap]

Oh, what a reality check! I hope to have such a relationship with my boys when they are adults. And I hope I can handle it when it comes time for them to get married!

[Kim/hormone-colored days]

Oh, you're making me cry!
I must go snuggle with my boys (8 and 10) before they go to sleep.